A letter to GOD

Dear GOD,

you gave me eyes i used them 2 read nonsense and see ppl instead of reading your holy book & seeing your blessings,

you gave me ears i listened 2 love words &songs instead of listening 2 your miracles,

you gave me legs i used them 2 go out instead of standing up&praying all night,

you gave me voice i used it 2 speak sins instead of thanking you and talking about your mercy,

you gave me hands i used them 4 holding things that are nt mine instead of raising them with prayers ,

you gave me money i used it on shopping instead of using them to help poor people,

and now i am so afraid to meet u because i know i have nothing to say , i can`t say i had no time because you gave me that too and i spent it liking and commenting and watching tv , doing all sorts of stuff anything that does not involve YOU

what i am going to tell u and u know everything i can`t lie, the world consumed me although i know this earth is just a place where we come to go !!

i know satin does not want me to do any good yet i follow him is there any one as stupid as me ? ah yea there is my fellow humans !!!


BUT i know your door is always open i know that for sure , i know that like i know my own sins ,

this will not be the case from now on every sin must have something good to balance it untill one day the good over comes!!!


those sinful hands will pray , help the poor and help my mother at home after every time they hold something that YOU won`t approve of !!

those sinful ears will listen to holly chapter after every time they hear a song !!

those pound YOU send me , for every pound spent on luxries 2 will be spent on helping the poor !!

and i shall win every time satin does l!!!

i will get ready or die trying !!!! INSHAA ALAH !!

True love

they say when you are in love u don`t want to sleep beacuse reality is better than your dreams but i don`t agree.there are many ways that u can make sure you love is true.

it is true love when dreams are far more better than what you are living but u still want to keep on living , because the pain of reality more enjoyable than the joy of dreams.

it is true love when u see in the person u love things that no body else sees not because u know him better , but because when u look at him you are actually looking inside them , u see beyond his skin , u see his soul.

it is true love when after holding your lovers hand you start to realize that there are other things your hands can do , things that make your hand an organ directly connected with your heart by a fine thread called your soul

it is true love when the person that sheds your tears is the only one who can wipe them away and any other person who tries just causes more tears and agony

it is true love when one person becomes the sun around which your world revolves

it is true love when you find a person that has everything you dream about but u still can`t leave the person you love and you realize your dreams were wrong and what u have now is right 

it is true love when u hope you lover messes everything and then comes asks for your forgivness so that you can forgive him over and over again

it is true love when you pepare conversations in your head hoping that you make you lover just smile

Love and relationships (1)

it takes u one minute or less to fall in love , to feel that the person in front of u is your soul mate. and i takes even less than that to end a relationship with someone. to take the decision of leaving. one minute , one situation , one action and everything is ruined !!

like when you are crying and your partner just laughs saying that you are being silly ! or like when u are really sick and hospitalized and you husband tells u it is nothing people do this surgery all the time and they don`t say they feel the pain you are talking about ! or when you are giving money for charity and your wife tells u this is just a waste of money.

at moments like this u know it , u know that this person is just your total and complete opposite. strange right ? but it happens all the time/

the same happens with marriage the thing that u love the most about your partner is the first thing u hate about him/her. if u love you husband because he reads a lot and knows everything about everything later u will accuse him of being too serious and he always leaves u for a book . if u love your wife because she is successful later u will accuse her of being away form her home and unable to do her jobs as a wife and that she is married to her work .

relationships are so strange and unpredictable.

love and relationships (3)

have you ever wondered which phase of a relationship is the best ? it is not when u are together , not engagement and of course not marriage :D 

the best part of any relation is the beginning the phase where you think not only about the person you have a crush on , but also about if he is thinking of you or not.

an amazing phase but no one appreciates it. people always think of what is going to happen next when they are finally together which is never as good as they imagine.

what i like the most about the first phase is the double talk. a boy can tell a girl many words that have more than one meaning and then leaves her to think about his intention.girls do the same but usually not by words they use action : a smile , a look even a missed call or adding the boy on her face book account just to let him know that he is among a huge number of other boys.

beginings are always full of promises and hopes and a huge power to change a lot of things

love and realtionships (4)

"According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial, because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors angry with ourselves. Then we bargain, we beg, we plead, we offer everything we have, we offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is to hard to maintain we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance." 

this is a quote from Grey`s anatomy for those who don`t know. but keep that fact aside and think with me isn`t it really true? especially in love and relationships ?? 

breakups are always hard. always disastrous . when someone becomes your life it is very hard to just imagine your life without him/her. you feel pain inside you. as if a fire is eating your heart up.and one moment you start going through the steps above.

breakups are not always after a relationship. if you are in love with someone who has no idea that u exist and u decide to get over him/her this is also a breakup specially if you have been building tons of plans for your future together.


breakups make u feel horrible and u start asking your self many questions. am i the problem ? can`t this be fixed ? am i ever going to find someone who loves me ? why is it that every time i choose someone to be with me i choose a wrong person .

these questions make u feel that u are not good for anything , and u can`t be loved.

breakups are heart breaking

A proposal (1)

she entered her room feeling that something is different in her house today. she took small hesitating steps and opened her room door while her head moved faster than her body.she saw what appeared to be a scene from a dream she dreamed of many times.hillium filled balloons scattered all over the room`s ceiling , flowers all over the bed shaped like a heart , and flower petals all over the floor. she stood there shocked puzzled hoping that it would be him." i hope this is not one my friends making me surprise party , i just hope it is him" she said to her self. a voice inside her answered " how can it be him do u think he will just tell your parents one min i will go put some flowers in your daughter`s room ? " " of course not how stupid am i , this must be a surprise from my friends and they better not see my face dissapointed"

" i missed you " a voice came from her back. " it is him really him oh my GOD if this is a dream i will never sleep again !! " she turned around so slowly and here he was standing tall she didn`t remember he was that tall when she saw him months ago.

"how did you ... how can you ... my mother my father ...a.a.. how could u do this" she said , he placed his finger on her mouth " i asked your father , i told him that you are the only girl i see , that you are the only one i want and he is a kind man he didn`t want to deprive me from the air i breathe so he agreed to let me have the chance and the honor of making you happy will u be as kind as he is ? "

she couldn`t utter a word she was completely and totally speechless . tears gathered in her eyes as he took a ring box out of his pocket and sat on his knees " do me the honor and be mine " he said


she still couldn`t say and thing as if she forgot the words , or as if words are just mere letters that will not describe how she really feels

" i asked your father to give me just few moments to surprise u if we stayed here longer than that he will take his words back :D:D " he said . her lips parted a Little with tears running down her cheeks " yes .. yes i will marry u i will be the happiest woman if i did "

he placed the ring on her finger and got up he was about to hug her when she stopped him saying " my father wanted to install a camera in my room when i was wrong to know who starts beating who first when me and my brothers where young i wish he did that :D:D

he laughed and opened the door for her and he said " by the way we will not go out for a long time" "why" she said " because i spent every penny i have on the balloons and the ring " the both laughed and held each others hands and went out to sit with their parents.

pain in disguise

" how can love be that difficult " she thought " my only dream was to fall in love and then live with the person i love for the rest of my life and start a family why did he have to turn this simple tale of mine into a complicated painful disaster ?? " she wished she could leave she wished she had that power she hears about in books and stories . she has been living her life with him because simply she knows she can`t live it without him , because she has no idea about the way time passed before she knew him . and GOD knows she tried and tried but her heart was like a little boy who does know his way home unless his parents hold him by the hand and walk with him. she has no clue without him , no purpose . how did he do that she never knew , how could he be that powerful , and how did he mesmariese her heart she will never know .


he called her as he does every day , she liked that about him , he always calls .his voice seemed different . 


he : " i wanted to tell u something , but please try to get me right , i love u i really do , but i can`t go on , i can`t continue my life with you , i just don`t feel we belong together , your
thoughts are so different than mine and if we can endure there differences now i feel we will not be able to that in the future , i know this will hurt u because i know that you love me so much , i know it will be hard on you in the begging but later on it will be easier on you with time " 


she kept silent for about 5 minutes then words came out of her mouth so fast like soda water coming out of a coke bottle that has been moved so fast in all possible directions. 


" you u think your words are going to break me right , u think this is my end and by your words u took my oxgyen away , but you are totally wrong  , every day i spent with you u hurt me , each day you broke little piece of my heart , and now it learned to stop feeding on oxygen and feed on carbon dioxide !!!, each day you broke me and now it no longer hurts , u want to leave me right ? and u think it will be hard on me ?? i really pity you , u can`t live a single day without me and u will know that , u will know that u need me around you to satisfy your ego , but u know what i don`t regret knowing you or doing all what i did for you , i just regret not listening to my heart when it was screaming for help "


she hung up with him feeling so blessed that he is the one who broke it all up , she thought she was happy with him , she thought this was it and she was the one messing it up with being so sensitive , but now it she understood that is was like a white sugar coated cup filled with dark black sour coffee , a pain in disguise ...........

what is the worst thing that could happen ??

when ever you are really scared of something people keep asking you this question " what is the worst thing that could happen?". when i was at college waiting for my results my dad used to ask me that , and i used to answer " i might fail and repeat the year " and then he answers " then u will repeat the year and lean from your mistakes , you are still young "

it is amazing how he made that so simple. but the problem is : what people usually put as "the worst that could happen" is not actually that horrible when compared to what actually happens!!! what happens always exceeds your expectations and your limited imagination.

so here is how it goes : your wedding day approaches and u freak out that the day won`t turn out to be as u hoped but what happens is that day does not come and your relationship with that person does not continue to your wedding day !!!

the results day comes and you think of that subject in which you did so bad and you think it is only one subject even if you had to repeat it this will not be a big deal , but then that day comes and you fail that other subject that you think u did great in its exam , or even worst u fail the year !!!

so what can u do to avoid that ?? the answer is : don`t expect please don`t , because nothing really matters. you may not even live until that results day , you may not even live till tomorrow so don`t burden your hearts with even thinking what could take place , u did what you thought is right , what you thought will make u happy one day , what will happen next is not important bec, next might not even come !! ad even if it did pain will end someday with the end of time and life !

Enosiophobia or Enissophobia

Enosiophobia or Enissophobia - An abnormal, persistent fear of committing an unpardonable sin.

great my disease has a name !! a phobia ! well let me be honest it is not that i am surprised or something , and not that i want to cure it . but a phobia !! that is a big word. it is not just that i am shopaholic  , and i talk to myself , and i cry for no reason , it seems all of those are not enough and now there is phobia.


when did it all start i have no idea , but it seems like my conscience is up 24/7 and i want to kill it but i know it will reproach me for that too .sometimes i have this crazy idea that i can have one day in which i can do anything i want , anything at all but GOD does not count it as a sin . no matter what i do or what i say . would that be fun ? religious ppl will say no way and what a terrible idea i am thinking about but think with me . drugs no no they are harmful any way and so is alcohol .

there must be something .actually there is . if i have this day i will fall passionately in love and get married. yes get married , i just want it to be so simple someone who loves me and asks ME to be his wife . not someone who loves me then he has to gain a pile of money then go convince his parents and then mine so that we could take permission to do something that we already have the right to do !!! this is what i like about Americans . here in Egypt if u go get married you are cursed and your parents never forgive you and maybe ppl stop knowing you !!!!


i guess life is too short to follow the rules and i am too coward to break them !! i just fear i will break my mothers heart , and then GOD will never forgive me and i will die a sinner !! 

Enosiophobia or Enissophobia - An abnormal, persistent fear of committing an unpardonable sin.

Dear dad

dear dad,

did u ever feel so confused that u want to pause every thing around you ? did u ever feel that you don`t belong ? I don`t think u ever felt that , you always made things simple that is a gene i didn`t get from you.

before u died u talked to me about patience , and the subject was totally out of context and that is why I think it is very important , like this was your last lesson to teach me. I know this is one thing no one can teach me but you . u always waited , u didn`t complain although things were getting really hard , how did you do that ?! i guess u had more faith in your heart than I did , I guess u never sinned , and even if u did u had tons and tons of good deeds to erase your sins before they are even committed !!

                                                                                                                        daddy`s little girl 3`oda :)

Dear dad

dear dad ,

when u were a life did u think about what will happen after u die ? I don`t know why but recently i was thinking about that.

I don`t know why but I feel that there is going to be a very big surprise !! one of 2 things can happen either I find that every thing i have been doing is totally wrong and hell is my place


or I will find out that life could have been much more easier and I could have lived it better and gone to heaven also but i made it harder for me and ppl around me !!!


what happened with you ?? were u surprised ?? did u find what u expected? i think u did , a man like you belongs to heaven :)




                                                                                                                               dady`s little girl 3`oda

Dear dad

dear dad ,

I want to decide to live can u help me do that ? I want to have fun and enjoy my life , I believe that I am too young for sadness and misery.

do u think I can have both ? happiness and heaven ? and I am not talking about spiritual happiness I am talking about falling in love deeply , holding my lovers hands and laughing out loud ! can I ever have both?? did u ??

ahhh if u can just answer my questions , if I could have asked them before u went away !!

people are trying to think i am getting crazy and they are right , I think of things that now one else thinks about , and even if they do they don`t let it occupy their time .

I want to live , I don`t want to die alive , I don`t want to bury my soul in my body and society , I want to be happy and i feel that u can teach me how to live when you are dead , only you can !


                                                                                                                                      dadd`s little girl 3`oda 

Dear dad

dear dad ,

sorry for not writing to u in the anniversary of your departure but i didn`t find words ! , do u know how many of my friends still remember you , they still remember your sweet face when u came to take me from school 

you are the best dad on earth , I miss u like hell , like no will ever do , I wish i could bring you back just one more time , one little hug , one little kiss on the cheek .

did u know that more than one time I dreamed  that GOD gave u back to me for just one more time !! little days  in wish I got to meet you again and be with you , I which I could ask u all the questions I need and get all the answers I want


I love you more than words could tell :)


                                                                                                                         daddy`s little girl 3`oda :)

Dear dad

dear dad ,

I am so sorry , I know that u see me and as much as I like that I hate it !! because I know that what you see makes u hate me.

I am not who you think I am , who you which that I become. I grew into a bad creature that does not deserve to have a father like you 

I am extremely sorry I hope I could blind fold you eyes to my sins and mistakes , and GOD knows these mistakes are not your fault by any means

I am sorry , please forgive me or forget me so that i might not hurt you again

try to find it in your heart to accept my apology , and forgive me for messing my life so much after you spent your whole life trying to make something good out of me

Dear dad

dear dad ,

what is wrong with me ? why do i panic a lot for no apparent reason or for reasons that do not need panicking at all ?

I do not know what I want and even when i do , I don`t work hard enough to get it and yet I can`t leave.

I don`t study , I don`t work , yet I want money and I want to pass !! how crazy is that ?!

am I doing the right thing or just wasting another year of my life ? I really want to do what i am doing why the hell is it that makes me unable to do that till the end !!!!

I am screwed in every aspect of my life , I feel like a complete and total failure , and I miss you a lot i know you are not going to answer me but i can`t quit talking to you.

Dear dad

dear dad ,

I love food ! I just do ! don`t u think that life has no meaning if u just don`t eat and try new things every now and then ?


I mean what could life possible mean without pasta with white sauce ? or brownies with ice cream topped with chocolate sauce and flowed by a cup of hot late ? ! now tell me how do people live without that ! without burger sandwiches and cakes and chicken with mayonnaise  !

I want to loose weight i really hate my face when it looks fat but I just can`t stand one more day of not eating what do I live for then !

I am currently reading a novel called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert  she went to Italy and she kept eating many kinds of amazing food. she ate pizza in Naples dad ! i wonder how could that have tasted !

dear dad ,
 I have the flu. I feel really fragile and I want to stay all the day long in bed and actually I kind of did that. 

I remember how u used to take care of me when u were alive no one takes good care of me like u. no one passes by my room and checks every now and then weather I have a fever or not , or weather I took medicine or not.

I miss how u used to take good care of me and make me feel like a princess , like there is no one else in the world but me. I miss how u used to put your hands on any part that hurts and read Quraan until the pain goes away.

Dear dad

dear dad ,

as if I am trying to move a cement wall to reach a mirage ! the mirage never comes and the wall never moves ! I am so confused . sometimes I feel as if I am entering a war armed with the preparation for failure. I know GOD has better plans for me but I really wish that my dreams and plans are not that vivid in my mind , I just which that i don`t collapse with the vanishing of every dream.

 I which I was stronger. I which I was able to deal with hardships in better way can u help me with that ? ! how did u deal with things that stood in your face ? I guess u just knew what u really wanted and went after it and that gene dear i didn`t get from u !! among many other good genes unfortunately.

Dear dad

dear dad ,

did it ever occur to you that GOD protects sinners ? I just think HE does , I think that some people are not cut for sinning no matter how much satin tries , he might push them to sin while angels make sure they never enjoy the sinful act itself. that is a kind of divine protection. i always thought that if someone is going to do something wrong he might as well enjoy it , but it is not that easy.

u see , the human being is just to arrogant to confess that he is vulnerable , that he can be tempted easily. he always thinks that he can stop himself at the right time , that he can be in a bar but still does not drink , that he can kiss a girl without going further , that he can be friends with thief and yet remain a descent man.  as if he wears a sin proof suit every day the moment he wakes up !

guess what i do that too ! or at least i used to now i am planning not to any more. I am planing to know what I really can do and what I know I will not be able to do , or rather what deep down inside me I know i don`t want to do .I always tend to give my self a power of a super hero or underestimate myself dangerously , never in the middle. I never admitted certain things to myself.

I always convince myself that I am hard worker although I know i am not ! I just desperately want to be one.

 what about u :) ? do feel like i do ? or it is just me acting insane as usual ?

                                                                                                                          your little girl 3`oda :)